Scene: Cloudy afternoon. A tattoo shop in Williamsburg Brooklyn where Sam Grittner is getting a fantastic new tattoo.
What should people know about you? I suggest telling everyone how you were once Employee of the Month, but feel free to tell the good readers of TDFW whatever you want.
First of all I’ve been Employee of the Month on multiple occasions. I’ve also been Employee of the Year.
My bad.
This is a tough question because I feel like everybody who is familiar with me already knows too much as I tend to overshare.
What should people NOT know about you?
Ohhh see that’s like the Marianas Trench. Can’t go down there. We won’t come back. I would like people to know that I’m a recovering alcohol and drug addict, I’m a writer, I’m a comedian, I am a humble beekeeper, I am a passionate mother and I am a part time owl. Should I keep going and you’ll edit this?
If you want. Or some people like to tell me about some offbeat jobs they’ve had, like the guy who was Dolph Lundgren’s assistant.
That’s weird because I’m also Dolph Lundgren’s assistant. What are the odds? I’ve worked many a job, mostly in the service industry. But one job that will forever stand out is that I answered a Craigslist ad which said “Clean my apartment.” So I went over there and it was already clean. And this guy-I was trying to suss out what he wanted. Clearly it was just companionship and someone to listen to him. I Windexed like one mirror and he said “wanna get pizza?” And I said “yeah let’s get pizza!” Then he just told me his life story which was fascinating, he was a great pianist. But then I took my money and got out of there because he was installing a security camera right before I got there and I feel like I’m the one who got away, like he clearly was finishing a dungeon. Another job on Craigslist was listed as “Industrious Builder Needed, $20 an hour” and I am none of those things but I did need $20 an hour so I go to this warehouse and find this guy named Hans I think. He said (*insert German accent*) "What we are going to do over the next 72 hours, well YOU are going to do, you are going to build shelves. And they are going to be beautiful shelves.” I was like “Hans I’m onboard.” I ended up building metal shelves, turns out I am industrious and hard working. Every time I came in, in the morning or after lunch he’d always say “I still yearn for the days of California.” There was a part of me that wanted to know so much more but I just let it sit. The mystery is always gonna be better.
Tell me about an instance where you turned something down.
As I said in the beginning I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I’m 36 years old, I spent the majority of my life using and abusing drugs and drinking to excess. I definitely have been very open about this, I write about it, I talk about it, I have no shame in it, in fact I’m quite proud of where I am. I understand that I’m just a person and alcoholism and addiction is a disease. But October 31st I will have exactly one year sober. Not to get all Nancy Reagan on everyone but I’ve been saying no to drugs and alcohol when it’s been offered and I haven’t actively sought them out so I’m also constantly saying no in my mind.
In contrast to this time last year, I was living with friends, I was almost homeless, I was going to start selling all my possessions. I had 7 months sober and then I relapsed. The relapse made it really clear to me that if I pick it up once, whether it’s pot, or a pill, doesn’t matter, they’re all interchangeable. And if I take one, I can’t stop. So a year ago I was unemployable, I had no job, no money, and I was lying to my best friends, the few that were still talking to me. No one trusted me. I didn't trust me. And I was suicidal. I’d already attempted suicide once. It was an extremely scary place to be. A friend of mine kind of had a come to Jesus moment with me at Kellogg’s Diner over here-he’s sober as well-and he was like “you’ve been sober and you’ve seen what it’s like. You know where your life is right now and it’s just gonna keep going like this and get worse.” At no time did he say I needed to go back into recovery. He then said “what are your thoughts?” So I said “I’ve got two joints in my pocket that are rolled up, I’m gonna go smoke those and then tomorrow I’ll go back to recovery.” And that’s exactly what I did. It not only saved my life. It turns out that everything that I thought I wanted I didn’t.
Growing up the only thing that mattered to me is that I wanted everyone to know my name, I wanted to feel important. I was completely insecure, I didn’t really know who I was, I hated myself because I just had a superficial layer to me. Depending on who I was with, I put on the face I thought they wanted to see. In recovery I learned that there’s nothing that I can’t do. Which is incredible.
I’m literally saying no on a daily basis. That’s a conscious decision I’m making every day. I’m choosing to say no. No one is making me go to recovery, no one is forcing me. It’s very self empowering. After the first 90 days is when you see people get a glimmer of life in them. If they’re rebooting a Westworld robot you just see the eyes light up for a moment. You see there’s something there. Once you know that spark is there now you can chase it. Every day just gets better. I don’t have hangovers. Every hangover was worse than the last, my alcoholic mind would say you can’t get a hangover if you never stop using. You don’t have a life, you don’t have friends, you don’t have money but you don’t have an 8 hour headache. The recovery community especially in New York, there are more meetings in New York than I think anywhere else. At any hour of the day you can go to a meeting. And if you’re serious about this you make a network. You see the same people over and over again after awhile they become friends, they become real friends. The idea that people can change is so powerful, but no one can change until they’re ready and I wasn’t ready for a long time.
I stopped trying to control everything, I admitted defeat that I was powerless to control life. Once you take away drugs and alcohol and you see you’re capable of change and you start to see that change there is this infinity circle, if I feel this good after 90 days, how about 6 months, how about a year? I’ve taken a big hiatus from comedy which has been hard. My self image was completely tied to comedy. If I wasn’t known as a stand up comic then I had no value. Versus now. I’m a good person, I’m a great beekeeper, great builder of metal shelves.
YOU ARE A PRETTY GOOD MOM.
I forgot to get someone to watch the kids today!
Maybe for the advice portion we should talk about how people needing help with addiction can seek that out?
You can’t make someone get into recovery. I knew I had a problem. But it’s easier to do what you already know. Even if it’s bad for you. Even if you’re isolating yourself to do drugs and blowing all your money. That’s familiar to you.
People don’t need to be afraid to ask for help. There’s no shame. If you’re a human being, you have family members, you have friends who are battling addiction and alcohol abuse. There are a lot of people who are in recovery and just don’t tell people about it. If you’re concerned about a friend or a family member? Like for me at my rock bottom it was “how much could I lie? How convincing could I be in this lie?” And now what I try to do, I do it imperfectly, I fall short all the time, but I really try to do it on a 24 hour basis which is “how honest can I be with myself?” If you live that way, nothing but good things can happen. You’ll be ready when you’re ready. It took a relapse for me to realize this is black and white, this is life or death. There’s this huge misconception for everyone who comes into recovery where it’s like ok I stopped drinking and doing drugs my life isn’t going to be fun anymore. And my life is so much fun. Even with this break from comedy, I’m still writing, I’m showing up for my friends, hanging out, I get to FaceTime with my niece and nephew. If you’re thinking about it and you’re like if I stop using my life is over and I won’t have fun anymore, the opposite is true. I have a complete new wardrobe, I’m gonna be able to take my first vacation soon, I wasn’t even able to entertain that possibility [when I was using].
Just have just a little bit of faith, be open, and never stop yearning for the days of California.
Follow Sam on Twitter, read some of his posts on recovery on Medium and he’s created a Google doc with resources for those needing help with recovery, addiction and suicidal ideation. The Suicide Hotline is 1-800-272-8255.